The Kyman Effect
by DangerDash
Summary: It's been 20 years since the end of "Toilet Paper: The Alternate Ending". A lot had changed. Eric and Kyle have married, and Eric has to do the hardest thing he's ever done. He has to leave his husband and son for a year. He's been drafted into the military because the U.S. is at war with Russia. AGAIN. Will the year end in tragedy?
1. Separation

"Eric, do you love me?" Kyle asked.

"Of course I do, Ky! Why do you ask?" Eric replied.

"If you love me, then why are you leaving!?" Kyle shouted.

"Kyle, you know I'd stay if I could, but I got drafted into the military," Eric told him.

"Dammit, Eric! Just tell me you'll never die on me," Kyle begged.

"I promise. I couldn't spend eternity without you," he said, ruffling up Kyle's hair.

Kyle giggled.

"See? Going too long without that much cuteness is painful," Eric laughed.

Eric had just been drafted into the military, and Kyle was going to be left alone for a year. He would have to take care of their 4 year old son, Russell, all by himself. They had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated so that they could have a child.

But let's get into the backstory of the LGBT club, shall we? When Eric was 23, he proposed to Kyle. In the time between now and when they were 10, a lot more happened. When Red was 15, she died in a car crash. Her girlfriend Bebe committed suicide the week after. As for Kenny and Butters, they got married at 26, and adopted a daughter named Sarah. Jimmy is dating a guy he met in high school named Jeff. Enough about them, back to Eric and Kyle.

Their son Russell ran up to them.

"Daddy, don't go," he sobbed.

Eric picked him up and hugged him.

"I've got to, buddy. If I don't, I'll be in big trouble. I'll be back before you know it, okay?" Eric told him.

Russell nodded. Eric's bus had arrived.

"I've gotta go, bud. Give daddy hugs," he said, arms outstretched. He hugged Russell, and then stood up to hug Kyle. He gave Kyle a quick kiss and boarded his bus to boot camp.

"See you two in a year!" Eric called to them from the bus. He had tears welling up in his eyes.

"Well, look who it is. Didn't expect to see my brother-in-law here," said a familiar voice. Eric looked over to see who it was.

"Ike?"


	2. Arrival

"Eric, it's good to see you!" Ike said.

"Likewise," Eric responded.

"So, you're joining the military as well?" Ike asked.

"No, the bus is taking me to McDonald's," Eric joked.

"You always did have a great sense of humor," Ike laughed.

"So, what'd you get drafted for?" Eric asked.

"Army," Ike responded.

"Same here. What division?" Eric asked.

"3rd Infantry," Ike told him.

Eric paused for a moment.

"Well, Ike, I guess we're in the same division. This could turn out to be a not-so-shitty year after all," Eric said, putting on a façade to cover his true sadness.

"You can't fool me. I know you'll miss Kyle," Ike said sympathetically.

"I've never gone longer that 3 days without seeing him or Russell," Eric sobbed.

"I know how you feel, Eric. I feel awful about leaving Flora at home with our daughter," Ike told him.

"Oh, that's right. She was born last month, wasn't she? What name did you two decide on?" Eric inquired.

"We were torn between Alexis and Madison, but we went with Alexis," Ike replied.

"Alexis Broflovski, huh? Has a nice ring to it," Eric said.

"Yeah, we thought it sounded cute," Ike said.

Meanwhile, Kyle was sitting on the couch crying. He couldn't believe that the love of his life was going to be gone for a year.

"Eric wouldn't want me to cry. He'd want me to stay happy," Kyle sniffled. Kyle went into Russell's room and found him crying as well.

"Hey buddy, cheer up. He'll be back!" Kyle said as happily as possible.

"He will be?" Russell sobbed.

"Yeah, it will just be a little while," Kyle told him. He would make it seem better for him, but he wouldn't lie and say that he'd be home soon.

"Hey, what do you say we go to the park?" Kyle suggested. Russell smiled and nodded his head. They got in the car and drove to the park.

There was an awkward silence between Ike and Eric for a while.

"Cute watch. Where'd you get it?" Ike asked.

"Thanks. Kyle had it custom-made for me last Christmas," Eric replied, looking at the watch. It was 2:30. He looked at the face of the watch. It had a picture of Kyle on it.

"Ike, there's one good thing about this," Eric told him.

"Oh really? What is it?" Ike wondered.

"If we're defending our country, we're defending the ones we love," Eric said.

"Technically, I was born in Canada, so it's not my country," Ike said.

"You're a citizen, though. The ones you love live here. Besides, America is a literal clusterfuck of people. There are Americans, Canadians, Brits, Africans, Australians, Chinese, Japanese, and whatever the fuck else. It's just as much your country as it is any other citizen's," Eric said.

"Thanks, Eric," Ike said.

The bus stopped and the doors open. Everyone began filing out.

"Well, here we go," Eric told him.


	3. Depression

Eric and Ike stepped off the bus.

"This is basic training, eh? A lot less shit than I expected," Eric said.

They formed a line to have their personal items taken. Eric opened his satchel, and found something he didn't pack.

Kyle's hat. There was a note attatched.

"In case you need something to remember me by while you're gone.

-Love, Kyle"

He didn't have much of a choice in the matter. He handed the man Kyle's hat and some other things.

All the men and women that got off the bus walked over to a tall, blonde man that was the commanding officer.

"Welcome to basic training, recruits," he said, seeming surprisingly friendly.

"Here in boot camp, you will be trained for nine excruciating weeks. Now, you're all probably starving and tired. I can understand that, it's 1650 hours. However, before you eat, you'll have to do some paperwork," he told them.

"If you need a schedule, look at this chart," he said.

Eric examined the chart.

0500 hours - Wake up

0550 hours - Physical Training

0600 hours - Breakfast

0850 hours - Training

1200 hours - Lunch

1300 hours - Training

1700 hours - Dinner

1800 hours - Drill Sergeant Time

2050 hours - Personal Time

2150 hours - Lights Out

Eric filled out a bit of paperwork and went into the mess hall. He ate as much as he could, but he had lost his appetite from missing Kyle so much.

"It's only been one day, and I feel like my heart is ripping itself apart! How will I make it through 364 more days?!" Eric thought to himself.

That night, Eric was dead tired. He crawled into his bunk and began to fall asleep. As he was almost asleep, someone quietly came into the room. It looked like the commanding officer.

"Here, I wanted you to have this back," he said. He gave him Kyle's hat and left. Eric hugged the hat and fell asleep.

However, before the man left and he fell asleep, Eric got a close look at his name tape. It said "McCormick".


	4. Nightmare

**_Translations:  
_**

**_*We've got you now, American bastard!_**

**_**Alcoholism is just a stereotype for the Russians, but apparently, obesity in America is real._**

**_***Say goodbye, asshole!_**

Eric was surrounded by Russian soldiers.  
"*У нас есть вам сейчас, американский ублюдок!" one shouted.  
"You'll never get away with this, you vodka-drinking cunts," Eric said smugly.  
"**Алкоголизм является просто стереотип для россиян, но, видимо, ожирение в Америке вполне реальна!" another Russian said.  
The Russian commander put a gun to Eric's temple.  
"***Попрощайтесь, мудак!" he shouted.  
"Okay. Goodbye, asshole," Eric said with a malicious smile on his face.  
There was a gunshot.

Kyle woke up. His palms were sweaty. There were tears rolling down his cheeks. He went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He looked at the fridge door. There was a picture of them held up by a refrigerator magnet. Kyle got a glass of water and sat down at the table. He didn't drink much water. He sat there and cried mostly. By the time he stopped, he had cried so much that the glass of water had almost overflowed. He poured it out and sat down on the couch.

It had been two weeks since Eric left. Kyle started having nightmares 3 days ago. He decided to just stay up tonight. Kyle looked at the clock. It was 5:00 A.M. He had to take Russell to school in an hour and a half. Russell had just started pre-school. Kyle had to go to work after that. He worked an office job from 7:00-2:00 in a cubicle next to Jimmy Valmer's. Kyle didn't want to worry about what he had to do later. Kyle sat there until 5:30.  
"It's 5:30. Eric should be waking up right now," Kyle thought.  
He stood up and walked into the bedroom. He looked in Eric's bedside drawer. There was a small scrap of notebook paper inside. Kyle picked it up and read it.

"Dear Eric,  
An angel kissed a star which fell to Earth. Upon it was written what I am about to say to you now, and burned upon my heart was your precious name.  
With sensual velvet kisses, with flames of passion, with lustful burning eyes I bathe this canvas in my love-soaked thoughts for you, and only you.  
What person in their sane mind could resist those gorgeous brown eyes of yours which look like glass marbles shimmering in the sunlight.  
I admire the way you brush your lovely brown hair, and its funny when your hair collects static and stands on end. It reminds me of a cute little hedgehog, it's so adorable!  
Sitting at home on the couch and cuddling with you has always been something I've loved. Especially when we get into an argument about something pointless like the color of cheese, or the price of fish, and end up having a huge pillow fight over it, (even though I always win, and you end up crying because I beat you at a childish game!)  
I really must tell you though, I absolutely adore your gorgeous smile! I think if God created something truly amazing, then its definitely gotta be your smile! I know that'a cheesy as hell, but I think your smile exceeds anything else!  
With every breath in my body and every bit of my soul, I wish you a happy Valentine's Day!

Forever lost without you,

Kyle"

"Awwww, he kept the love note I wrote him in 7th grade!" Kyle said.  
He just realized it was 6:30. He woke Russell up, helped him get dressed, and drove him to school. After he dropped Russell off, he called his boss.  
"Hello, sir. Yes, it's me, Kyle," he said.  
"Yeah, do you mind if I use one of my vacation days?" Kyle asked.  
"Well, Eric left for the army a few weeks back and I had nightmares about it tonight. I didn't get much rest. I feel like I wouldn't be able to perform at full capacity today," he explained.  
"Thank you, sir. I'll be back to work tomorrow," Kyle promised.  
"Okay. Goodbye," he said.

Kyle arrived at home and lay down on the couch. He should've used one of his sick days. He felt truly sick. Lovesick. He felt like he couldn't move if he tried. His heart was ablaze, longing for Eric to come home and say anything, even a simple "I love you" would have sufficed. The phone rang, and Kyle answered it.  
"Hello?" Kyle said  
"Hey, K-Kyle," Jimmy greeted him.  
Jimmy's stutter had mostly gone, but he still did sometimes.  
"Oh, hi Jim," Kyle said.  
"I hear you're taking a vacation day, eh?" he asked.  
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep," Kyle told him.  
"Up all night thinking about Eric?" Jimmy wondered.  
"Yeah, I can't get him out of my mind," Kyle complained.  
"Well Kyle, perhaps you could try hanging out with y-your other friends," Jimmy suggested.  
"Jimmy, Stan's been dead for 20 years," Kyle reminded him.  
"I meant Kenny, or Butters, or anybody else you can think of," Jimmy said.  
"Wendy moved to Arkansas, Ike got drafted into the military like Eric, Craig is in prison for calling the president a 'scrotum-licking ass milkshake', Butters is in Ohio on a business trip, Kenny's working as the commanding officer in the military, and Timmy died in that wheelchair accident a few years back," Kyle listed.  
"I'll tell you what, Kyle. How about we get a bite to eat from City Wok at 2:30?" Jimmy asked.  
"Sounds good. We haven't hung out in a while," Kyle said.  
"Yeah. Besides, it'll be an hour before you have to pick your kid up," Jimmy told him.  
"Well, I have to g-get back to work," Jimmy said.  
"Okay. Goodbye," Kyle said.  
"Goodbye," Jimmy said.  
Kyle hung up and put down the phone. He set his alarm for 2:00 and closed his eyes. He tried to fall asleep, but he still couldn't. He took one of his prescription antidepressants to ease his mind. This helped Kyle to fall asleep.


	5. Torture

Eric was running as fast as possible. His lungs felt like they were being twisted into pretzels. He was in the middle of his Army Physical Fitness Test. Although Eric was not as fat as he used to be, he was still a bit chubby. After the running portion, Eric was struggling to stand.

The next day, Eric had finished what was known as "the red phase" and entered "the white phase".

He had to learn basic rifle marksmanship. Eric was told to aim for vital organs.

"Aim like someone's attacking the most important thing in your life," Eric thought to himself. This reminded him of Kyle.

"That's it! Fire like you're defending Kyle!" he thought.

"Ready..."

"Aim..."

"FIRE!"

Eric squeezed the trigger. Time seemed to slow down as the bullet pierced the human-shaped target.

He hit right between the eyes.

After that day ended, Eric met up with Ike in the mess hall. He sat down next to him and they talked a bit.

He was telling Ike a terrorist joke as Kenny sat down with them.

"And after the suicide bomber detonated, his friend said 'Way to go, Tahir! Betcha can't do it again, jackass!" Eric said. Ike started laughing like a madman. This didn't draw much attention, though. There was a lot of chatter in the room.

"Hello, Second Lieutenant McCormick, sir!" Eric said.

"I told you, Cartman, you can call me Kenneth. We're good friends," Kenny told him. He went by Kenneth now, but everyone still refers to him as Kenny.

"But it's the respectful thing to do," Eric insisted.

"Okay, now you're just asskissing," Kenny joked.

"So, you two sign up?" Kenny asked.

"Drafted," they sighed.

"Come on, it's not so bad!" Kenny tried.

"We're gonna be away from our families for a year! It is SO bad!" Eric shouted.

"Eric, we're friends, but I'm not gonna tolerate this kind of disrespect!" Kenny told him.

"I'm not disrespecting you! I'm just saying, it's pretty bad," Eric said.

"Well, maybe it is," Kenny said.

"Maybe? I left behind Kyle and Russell!" Eric said.

"Russell?" Kenny asked.

"My son," Eric replied.

"How did you have a child?" Kenny wondered.

"Artificial insemination and a surrogate mother," he answered.

"Ah, I see," Kenny said.

After dinner, Eric stopped Kenny at the doors of the mess hall.

"Kenny, I wanted to thank you for letting me keep Kyle's hat. It means a lot," Eric told him.

"No problem. I need to thank you for some things, too," Kenny said.

"What have I ever done for you?" Eric asked.

"Well, the night before the first LGBT club meeting in elementary school, Butters and I were planning to commit suicide. Then we got that email. We found out that we weren't too different after all. And when I died that one time in Germany, thanks for comforting Butters," Kenny said. He had finally proved to his friends that he couldn't die a few years ago.

"You're welcome, but how would you have committed suicide?" Eric asked.

"We were gonna take my mom to church and have her cleansed of impurities so Cthulhu's curse would stop reviving me," he responded.

"Oh. Well I'm glad you didn't," Eric said.

Kenny smiled.

"You're a good friend, Eric," Kenny said, shaking Eric's hand.

"We'd better get moving. I'm almost late for whatever the fuck comes next," Eric laughed.

"See ya, Eric," Kenny said.

"See ya," he responded.


	6. Communication

"Week 9 of 52:

Eric should be out of training now. 63 days down, 302 to go. I can't stand this! It's awful! Thinking about Eric has really taken a toll on me. I haven't shaved in days, and I've been drinking a bit more than usual. I still cry myself to sleep every night. It's been that way for 9 weeks and it's not changing any time soon.

Happy birthday Eric."

Kyle was writing in his journal. He had nothing better to do. Like, at all. Today was Eric's birthday, and Kyle was missing him more than any other day. Eric was turning 31.

Kyle looked on the internet to see if there was any way to contact Eric. He could call, but it would be expensive. Kyle decided it was worth it.

"Phone call, Cartman," Kenny said. It was personal time, so Kyle could call.

"Hello?" Eric said.

"Happy birthday, Eric! Oh my god, it's so good to hear your voice again!" Kyle said happily.

"Why didn't you call me before, Kyle?" Eric asked.

"Have you seen the prices? I'm going to bankrupt myself!" Kyle joked.

"I always knew you liked money, you dirty Jewish rat," Eric teased.

"Hold on, Russell wants to say hi," Kyle said.

"Daddy!" Russell yelled joyfully.

"Hey, bud!" Eric said.

"I miss you daddy," he said.

"I miss you too, kiddo. I'll be back before you know it, okay?" Eric told him.

"Okay, daddy. I love you," Russell said.

"I love you too, Russell," Eric said.

"Well, Eric, I'd better go. If I stay on much longer I'll go broke!" Kyle told him.

"Okay. I love you, Kyle," Eric said.

"I love you too," Kyle replied.

Eric looked over to Kenny. He was sobbing, his face in his palms.

"That was beautiful, Eric," he said.


	7. Warning

Eric was sitting around talking with some other soldiers.

"Did you hear what's happening in Colorado?" one asked.

Eric stood up and grabbed the man's shirt.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING IN

COLORADO?!" Eric shouted.

"Jesus, Private Cartman, calm down! What's so important, does your wife live there?" he asked.

"Husband," Eric corrected him.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Forget it, what's going on?" Eric demanded.

"Russians are invading. They bombed Louisville, Kentucky yesterday. They're planning to bomb Colorado," he said.

Eric stood breathlessly for a moment.

"I... I need to make a phone call," Eric said.

Eric dialed his home phone number.

"Eric? Hi!" Kyle said happily.

"Hi, Kyle. Sorry, but no time for small talk. You need to GET THE HELL OUT OF COLORADO! Get our friends out, too!" Eric said.

"Why?" Kyle asked.

"Russian bombers, planning an attack, GET OUT!" Eric demanded.

"OH GOD!" Kyle shouted.

The phone lost connection.

"Kyle? KYLE?! KYYYYYLE!" Eric screamed.

He fell to his knees and began to sob.


	8. Disaster

**_Translations:_**

**_*Get out of the car!_**

**_**Get out of the Prius, you idiot!_**

Kyle looked at the TV.

"Everyone EVACUATE South Park! I repeat, EVACUATE SOUTH PARK!" the newscaster shouted.

"Russell, come on!" Kyle yelled.

"Where we going, daddy?" he asked.

"Somewhere safer!" Kyle said.

Kyle gathered everything important.

As he started the car, bombers barely came into view.

"Bombers! Should I go back and get it?" he thought.

He ran inside and looked in the drawer of Eric's bedside table. He grabbed the note and ran back to the car.

He started going about 40 mph.

"Wait a second, FUCK speed limits!" he thought.

He suddenly was glad that he decided to get a Prius, which Eric said was the "Scott Malkinson" of cars. Small and annoying.

Kyle kicked that fucker into high gear and virtually teleported down the street. He called his friends on the way out of Colorado.

"I'm okay, Kenny warned me earlier and I got out as quick as I could," Butters told him.

"Well, I'm on v-vacation in California, and my boyfriend is here too," Jimmy said.

"Jesus! There was a bombing?! Thank God I moved! Wait, no, I'm in prison for taking speed! GAH!" Tweek shouted frantically.

"I moved to the UK with Nichole," Token said.

"I'm in prison remember? I share a cell with Tweek, who by the way, is a closet gay or something. He tried to anally rape me!" Craig said.

"I got married to Pete Melman and moved to Texas," Wendy said.

Kyle had checked on all of his alive friends. Kyle heard a helicopter approaching. Russian troops parachuted out and landed in front of Kyle's car. They shot the wheels and he crashed.

"*Получить из машины!" one shouted.

"What are you saying?!" Kyle asked.

"**Выйдите из Prius, ты идиот!" another demanded.

"Can you speak English?" Kyle asked.

"Ah, ze American fool does no understand," another said.

"Ve said, GET OUT OF ZE PRIUS!" a soldier shouted.

Kyle complied and got out. He put his hands up.

"What have you done to my husband?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, Fort Carson? Ve invade and took prisoners," they said.

"Who survived as prisoners?" Kyle asked.

"12 men survive. One vas 'Sergeant Scott Tenorman'. You know him?"

"I know him, but that's not my husband," Kyle said.

"There vas a McCormick guy. Your husband McCormick guy?" he asked.

"No! How about a Cartman?" Kyle asked hopefully.

"Oh, ZAT guy. He vould not shut up! 'Vhere is Kyle? Vhat have you done vith Kyle?' is all he said!" a soldier complained.

"Thank god he's okay," Kyle said.

"Who else survived?" he asked.

"Let me think. I'm lucky I did when you left me to die in Germany! After Eric shot the chip out of my brain, I was fine! But he left me to die! The Russians took me in, they cared for me, they raised me to adulthood. I trained to become the perfect soldier for the Russians! And now, I can do something I've been waiting 20 years for!" said a particularly muscular soldier. He didn't have an accent.

"Wait... that voice, that hair, that hat... STAN?!" Kyle realized.

Russell crawled out of the car.

"Daddy?" he asked.

Kyle ran over to Russell.

"Russell, hide behind the car and cover your ears. Daddy can feel a sensation in the back of his mind he hasn't felt in a long time. I thought it was gone," Kyle said.

Russell obeyed and hid.

"Now to do what I've waited 20 years for," Stan said.

Kyle stood there fearlessly.

"I can't apologize enough for not finding a way to return to South Park! I'm sorry, buddy!" Stan sobbed.

"I've missed everyone so much! I'm not a supporter of the Russians, but they made me who I am today. I can't shoot them, it wouldn't be right," Stan said.

"Good. Get behind the car," Kyle demanded.

"Why?" he asked.

"BECAUSE! You don't want to see this!" Kyle shouted.

Stan went behind the car with Russell.

"Who are you?" Russell asked.

"I'm a friend of your dad's," he said.

"Will he be okay?" Russell hoped.

"Your daddy's a strong man. He'll be fine," Stan comforted him.

Kyle took his shirt off, revealing his Kyley-B shirt. He pulled some hair gel out of the car. He slicked his hair back. Although he didn't have a Jew-fro anymore, he could still slick his hair back a bit. He pulled a gold chain out of his pocket and put it on. He went full Jersey.

"LISTEN HERE, YOU DRUNK BASTARDS! YOU WANNA INVADE A COUNTRY, GO CREEPIN' SOMEWHERES ELSE!" Kyle shouted.

"VHAT did you just say?!" a Russian asked.

"YOU HEARD ME! GO BACK TO RUSSIA AND FREEZE YOUR ASS OFF! YOUR WIFE SURE COULD USE HELP GETTIN' THE CABBAGE OUT 'ER FUCKIN' MUFF!" Kyle shouted.

The Russians were mostly confused.

"YOU'RE GARBAGE! YOU 'EAR ME? YOU AIN'T SHIT! GO AND SHOVE SOME VODKA UP YA ASS!" he screamed.

He walked up to one Russian and bitch-slapped him. He picked up the soldier's gun.

"GO ON, YA DRUNK BASTARDS! GO CREEP ON SOMEONE ELSE!" he shouted, firing shots into the air. The Russians fired at Kyle. One bullet hit right in his torso. It just missed his liver. Kyle winced in pain and stumbled backward. He fell down, but he wasn't done. He aimed his gun at the Russians and fired a full clip. Those Russians were dead.

Kyle stood up and bandaged the wound himself.

Kyle noticed that more bullets had been fired at him. He only had one wound though, and Stan lay motionless in front of him. He checked Stan's pulse. He was dead.

Kyle sobbed. He closed Stan's eyelids. He told Russell to get back in the car. They were going to help the others take back America.


	9. Rebellion

Eric and Kenny were being held prisoner.

"Kenny, you see that pocket knife on the ground next to that guy's body? Think you could get it?" Eric whispered.

"Yeah," Kenny said.

Kenny extended a foot and dragged the knife over to Eric.

Their hands were tied.

Eric spun around and picked up the knife. He cut his ropes off and then Kenny's.

Eric took the knife and walked up behind the Russian guarding them. He covered the soldier's mouth and slit his throat.

"Shhhhhh, shh shh..." Eric whispered.

"Don't worry, you can drink vodka in hell," Kenny whispered to him.

The soldier fell to the ground and Kenny picked up his pistol.

Eric took the radio from the dead American soldier and radioed for help.

"This is Eric Cartman, is anyone out there alive?" he asked.

He received a response, but not the one he wanted.

"Yes. This is Scott Tenorman," the radio said.

"Scott, I know we're enemies, but we need to work together to escape," Eric said.

"Yeah. I can do that," Scott said.

"Where are you?" Eric asked.

"Mess hall. There were 4 guards in here and one had a silenced pistol. Killed them all in a few seconds," Scott explained.

"Well, I'm going to move- shit, someone's coming!" Eric whispered.

The door swung open. Eric flung himself forward and had his knife to the person's throat. He pulled back immediately after seeing who it was. It was Ike. He was heavily bruised, a bit bloody, and had an AK-74M.

"Eric, glad you're okay. You too, Kenny. Here, take these," he said.

Ike handed Eric a frag grenade and an M500A1 shotgun and ammo. Then he handed Kenny a PP-19 and some ammo.

Eric and the others walked outside. There were a few Russians waiting for them. There was little cover, so Eric and Ike took cover. There wasn't room for Kenny, so Ike let Kenny take his place. He walked around, trying to bait the Russians. When shots were fired at him, Ike returned the favor. Not a single bullet hit Ike, but one of the Russians hit the ground.

Eric tried the radio.

"Scott, I'm here with Ike Broflovski and Kenny McCormick. We could use some help!" Eric tried.

He threw his grenade around the corner, killing a few soldiers.

Scott Tenorman burst through the doors to the mess hall. He began shooting at a group of Russians. There was one behind him. They tried to warn him, but it was too late. Scott Tenorman was dead.

Ike began firing at the Russian that killed him. After he fell, they thought only 2 Russians remained. They were wrong. A Russian sniper took a shot and hit someone. It was Ike.

Ike fell, creating a pool of blood. Eric and Kenny killed the last few Russians and ran to check on Ike. The bullet hit his brain.

There was no hope.


	10. Rescue

Kyle's stupid-ass Prius screeched to a halt. He had arrived at the Colorado city limits. He saw Butters' car parked at the side of the road. He was a few feet away in handcuffs. Russians were standing around him.

"Stay in the car, Russell," Kyle whispered. He stepped out of the car and quietly made his way to the back of the car where he had a gun in the trunk. Eric kept a gun in the house for defensive reasons.

Kyle loaded the rifle and aimed at the Russians. Only one had a pistol. That's the one he shot first. The 4 other Russians turned to him. They unholstered their pistols and began to fire at Kyle. He didn't notice the holsters! Kyle fired at the Russians as quickly as possible. As he was reloading to kill the last one, he was shot. Kyle collapsed and lay motionless in a pool of blood. The Russian laughed cruelly. All of a sudden, Butters leaped up and kicked the soldier. The pistol flew from his hand. He ran over and put a foot on the Russian's chest. Butters used all his strength to pull his arms away from each other, and the cuffs broke. Butters had become surprisingly strong since 4th grade. After a depression in middle school, he began lifting weights. After that, no-one fucked with Butters (except Kenny, of course).

Butters moved his foot off of the soldier's chest and onto his head. Butters began to stomp the living SHIT out of him.

"That's! For! My! Friend! You! Damned! Russian!" he said with each stomp. Butters' leg got tired, so he picked up the soldier's pistol and shot him. As he began to walk over to Kyle to check on him, but his body was gone. Butters looked around and saw Kyle bandaging the wound a few yards away. After Butters exited absolute badass mode, he went back to his kind self.

"Gosh, Kyle. Are you okay? That looks awfully painful," Butters said.

"Heh, no shit," Kyle joked.

"Well, my car's engine is shot all to Hell. Can I ride with you?" Butters asked.

"Sure. I'd be a pretty bad friend if I said no," Kyle said.


	11. Interrogation

_**Translations:**_

_**[1]Where are you planning to bomb?!**_

_**[2]No, you ginger fuck! What city are you planning to bomb?!**_

_**[3]This is getting us nowhere.**_

_**[4]Keep trying. Everyone cracks at some point.**_

_**[5]Any last words?**_

_**[6]Yes. Look behind you.**_

_**[7]That will not work!**_

Eric and Kenny were surrounded by Russian soldiers. Scott was tied up in a chair nearby. The soldiers were interrogating him.

"[1]Где вы планируете бомбить?!" the soldier asked.

"Your mom," Scott stalled.

The soldier hit him in the face.

"[2]Нет, вы имбирь трахаться! В каком городе вы планируете бомбить?!" he yelled.

Scott could understand them, but he wouldn't comply.

"English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!" Scott taunted.

The soldier pushed the chair over.

"[3]Это не становится нам нигде!" the soldier complained.

"[4]Продолжайте пробовать. Каждый трещины в какой-то момент," another soldier replied.

The other soldiers led Eric and Kenny into another room. They were sat down in two chairs.

"[5]Любые последние слова?" one soldier asked.

"[6]Да. Посмотрите позади вас," Eric replied.

"[7]Это не будет работать!" the soldier yelled.

The soldiers should have looked. Behind them was Scott Tenorman. Scott cut both of their throats.

"Let's go take back Fort Carson," Scott said.


	12. Conclusion

Kyle eased his foot off of the gas pedal as he arrived at Fort Carson. He and Butters decided to go back. Kyle were going to help whether Eric wanted him to or not. Butters reloaded the pistol he had picked up from a Russian soldier. Kyle opened the trunk and got his rifle.

"Butters, can you stay here and watch Russell?" Kyle asked.

"Sure, Kyle," Butters replied. Kyle nodded to his friend as he walked to the gate.

"Hey Kyle!" he yelled from the car. Kyle turned around to face him.

"Yeah?" Kyle asked.

"Be careful," Butters warned.

"Alright," he said with a smile. Kyle shot the lock off of the gate and kicked it open. He was ready to fire at anyone who attacked. He felt a sharp pain in his left shoulder. He put a hand on it and noticed that his glove was covered in blood. He was suddenly shoved to the ground.

"Alright, start talking you Russian fucker," his attacked yelled.

"Russian? I came here to save my husband!" Kyle shouted, turning to face him. The attacked squinted his eyes.

"Kyle Broflovski?" he asked.

"Yeah," Kyle replied.

"Oh, God! I'm so sorry!" he yelled.

"Come on Scott, kill him already!" a voice yelled. A head poked around the corner. It was Eric! He ran over to Kyle and held him in his arms.

"Who shot you? I'm gonna make them suffer!" Eric yelled. Scott Tenorman just stood there whistling. Eric took his pistol and shot him. Not in the head, not in the chest, but in the dick. Scott squealed like a little girl and fell over.

"AH! YOU FAT FUCK!" he screamed.

"Shut up, you ginger prick," Eric said. Eric leaned forward and kissed Kyle, their tongues colliding in a battle for domination. He couldn't believe how long it had been since he had seen Kyle. They parted quickly when they heard something fall over.

"Oh, shit! We need to get out of here!" Kyle screamed. He tried to get up, but he was shot in the leg. It wasn't a Russian soldier, though. It was Scott. Eric picked Kyle up and held him in his arms. He firmly placed his foot on Scott's face and pushed down with all of his might, eventually crushing his face and killing him. He looked over to the car and saw Kenny had already made it over there and was locked in a fiery kiss with Butters. Eric carried Kyle over to the car and put him down in the passenger seat. He then took a frag grenade from his belt and walked back to the base. He pulled the pin from the grenade and threw it next to the fuel tank. He ran back as quickly as he could, just barely escaping the blast. Burning Russian corpses and debris flew from the explosion, landing everywhere. Eric started the car and drove away as quickly as he could.

"Well Jew, I have to admit a few things," Eric said.

"Like what?" Kyle asked.

"First of all, I like this car because it's fast enough to escape mentally-handicapped Russians. Second of all, I'm pissed that you were dumb enough to come help," he listed. Kyle laughed and rested his head on Eric's shoulder.

"Seriously, Kahl, promise me you'll never do that again," he said.

"I won't ever do that again," Kyle promised.

When they made it back to South Park, they found their house barely damaged. The rest of the city was absolute shit, but their house stayed standing. Everything was almost exactly where it was left.

"Oh, I think this belongs to you," Eric said, handing Kyle his hat. Kyle put it on.

A month later, the town had been entirely rebuilt. Eric and Kyle were lying in bed together.

"Wow, Kyle. Even with that broken shoulder, you're still pretty good," Eric panted.

"You're pretty good yourself, even if you weigh 180 pounds," Kyle laughed.

"180 pounds isn't overweight. It just seems like it is because you have a scrawny little body," he teased, running his fingers through Kyle's curly red hair.

"I may be scrawny, but my dick's still bigger," Kyle taunted.

"5 and a half inches is above average, you shifty Jew," Eric said.

"Yeah, and 7 inches is even MORE above average," Kyle retorted.

"You need to take a shower, you smell like ass!" Eric joked, plugging his nose and pretending to gag.

"And you need to go on Weight Watchers, you almost broke my OTHER shoulder," Kyle joked back. He smiled at Eric before going to take a shower.

"Everything is as it should be," Eric thought.

_-Epilogue-_

Eric and Kyle lived a long and happy life. Their son became the owner of a successful business and got married to the daughter of Wendy Testaburger and Pete Melman. Kyle died at age 74 from the long-term damage of his gunshot wounds. The next day, Eric shot himself. His body was discovered a week later.

**_THIS IS IT! THANKS FOR READING! THIS SERIES IS OVER! THERE WILL NOT BE A CONTINUATION! DON'T FUCKING ASK!_**


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